Half-asleep Conversations FTW

Fiancé (mumbling in his sleep): I don't carry my phone around for fun.
Me: Ok... So why DO you carry your phone around?
Fiancé: For fun.
Me: But you just said you don't carry it around for fun.
Fiancé: I carry it around for fun. And necessity.
*promptly falls back to sleep*

Oh, the conversations I've had today...

Former Boss: That's what I like about you, Julie. I've said that I wanted to tie you up and fuck the shit outta you, after I've hired you, and your advice to me is to be more of a dick.

Sex toy party

Got invited to a sex toy party, and it reminded me of a story involving my mom and a coworker.

My mom was invited to a toy party by a coworker, and she was telling me about the conversation. My mother told her coworker that it was a great idea and she couldn’t wait to go! And maybe she can get a couple things for her grandkids!

Clearly my mother thought this was a different kind of toy party.

But the coworker never corrected her, and I made the comment that it might be a SEX toy party but my mother was horrified and said of course it’s not THAT kind of party!

As fate would have it, my parents ended up being on vacation the week of the party and so my mother couldn’t attend. But she made sure to ask the coworker for catalogs so she could order something.

You guys. You have no idea what the expression on my mother’s face was when she was handed sex toy catalogs. I imagine it was a lot like her expression when she is horrified by things that I say. Only much worse.

Texts from This Morning

9:03AM
I puked in my hair

I don’t remember but I can smell it

I don’t remember leaving the Christmas party I was at

I didn’t eat and I was drinking vodka

Last thing I remember I was dancing

I think I puked on my floor

I might die

9:41AM
I think I puked on my floor

I might die

At some point I must’ve had Swedish meatballs cuz I smell them

10:13AM
Never drinking again

OMG I have spinach dip in my hair

I don’t remember eating that

11:48AM
I am trying to drive and I think I might still be drunk

I still smell puke

I might puke again

Me: I have a fever and my ear hurts and I just wanna be put out of my misery.
Steve: Oh stop.
Me: I'm cranky.
Steve: No shit.
Me: Don't be mean, I'm sick :(
Steve: I'm not being mean, you said it lol
Me: You didn't hafta agree!

I’ve had many first kisses… but yours is the only one I still remember.

Addison: He's never going to turn into what I want.
Callie: Which is?
Addison: The whole thing. I want someone stable who barbeques and teaches little kids how to play catch.

Taken with instagram

"Next time I do something wrong, it’s not my fault. It’s 9/11’s fault."

-My son

"Before they had divorce, they used a shotgun"

-My son

"I never napped in preschool. Cuz I’m awesome."

-My son (age 11)

"Btw, I don’t think me buying a hitachi magic wand for your birthday would go over good with management."

-My boss

500 Days of Summer

Summer: I woke up one morning and I just knew.
Tom: Knew what?
Summer: What I was never sure of with you.

Him: That said, I look wonderful today. I'm at least a 4 out of 10! That's a 3 point improvement!

Texting with the boyfriend

Me: Ah Sunday... The day every week that my boyfriend disappears off the face of the earth. If I didn't know better, I'd start thinking you had a second gf you see on Sundays ;)
Steve: I do... Her name is bed.